Sex with Timaree

Question to the Sexpert:
“I’m a woman in my late twenties and although I feel fairly sex savvy, I have a question of etiquette. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months who is bi and is also seeing some other guy, which is cool with me. We get along great and the sex is fantastic but I don’t see a lot of long-term potential for a variety of reasons. Meanwhile, I have recently also started seeing this other guy who seems like a better fit for a relationship but he not only lives somewhat far away, he also has told me he waits a fairly long time before having sex with anyone he dates- at least six months. This is fine with me but I want to know if it would still be OK for me to keep sleeping with the bi boy in the meantime. I mean, it’s HIS rule to wait six months, so I figure he can wait all he wants and when he’s ready, I can cut the other guy loose.”

On one hand you have your Bangalicious Bi Boy…or maybe not in your hand, maybe he’s somewhere else, and on the other hand, you have Long Term Relationship (LTR) Material Man who is making it very inconvenient for you to have orgasms together for the time being. You’d like a little from column A while column B bakes in the oven for 20-25 minutes and then cools long enough to be frosted.

You might have gleaned from previous columns that I’m one of those live-and-let-live, it’s-none-of-my-business-what-you-do sex hippies and you might have written in hoping for some additional rationalizations to add to your already made up mind. And I’m sure you can find plenty of support from friends who’ve downed half a dozen vodka cranberries who say, “fuck it! Men get to do it all the time!” and maintain this is some great, progressive moment in the history of Sisterhood when women get to act just as duplicitously as the sleazeballs who’ve screwed them over.

Unfortunately, I am also one of those finger-wagging pains in the ass who insists all involved parties ought to be fully informed. LTR Material Man has decided he wants to have a waiting period before doing it with his significant others. That’s fine. I mean, we make people wait a couple days before they get to buy a gun so we can do background checks and make sure they’re not too crazy or too likely to kill us. And if he started his Countdown to Ignition with you now, he might be under the impression you kids are dating.

To be sure, if you two don’t have a conversation about the fact you’re dating exclusively, he really can’t be upset if he assumes monogamy and you assume otherwise. He also can’t demand behavior of you unless you, as a couple, agree together that you’re going to act a certain way (for instance, not banging bi boys). But I know there is a part of you that recognizes keeping him willfully ignorant of your side job is for your benefit solely and not for the purposes of bolstering your foundation as a couple. You’re free to start your LTR with secrets, but I’d be remiss as a sexpert if I actually said I suggest it.

And he’s not the only one who ought to be kept in the loop. I’m not sure what Bi Boy knows about LTR Material Man and if he cares if you’re pulling some side action too but I’m imagining he realizes he’s in no position to object. And you’d be right to argue that since you’re not sleeping with LTR Material Man that you’re not putting Bi Boy at any risk and therefore, it’s not his concern. It is, however, possible that he still has feelings (they have periodically been located in men) and thinks what you have is a polyamorous relationship, not just a fuck buddy set up. In which case, he might be kind of bummed you’re using him for sex until something better decides it’s time to open up shop.

But maybe not. Maybe he’s as half-interested as you are and will be totally nonplussed by the idea you have already set the expiration date on your shenanigans together so you can run to bigger and better pastures. The only way to know is to talk about it.

So, if you want validation for your right to act as you please and keep the good times rolling while you set something more serious in motion too, then I’m the last person to stand in your way. There are plenty of ways this scenario could play out where you get exactly what you’d like and everyone could be happy. If, however, you’re seeking my permission to keep secrets from lovers and give them false impressions of monogamy, then I’d suggest you keep looking.