Fantasy / Group Sex / Long Term Relationships

8 simple rules for great group sex

Howdy, folks! This blog is going to be the repository for all my delectable posts about sexuality and I would like to keep you thoroughly entertained at least 5 days a week. As such, i will be posting new columns every Monday while Tuesday through Thursday will be previously written pieces that you may or may not have gotten to see and/or any short musings about recent events in sexual pop culture.
Here is an oldie but goodie from back when I wrote for the Daily Nebraskan, a piece that was never published due to its salacious content! Oooh! Censorship! Enjoy!

“Hey, snoogums?”

            “Yes, boo boo bear?”

            “How about tonight we umm let my best friend join us?”

Tempting? Appalling? Intriguing? Worrisome? The idea of group sex, especially when involving an established romantic relationship, can be a matter of great drama. When is a ménage a trios a good idea? Is it ever? Should group activities be limited to only three people? These questions can only be truly answered by the persons involved.

The potential for pleasure, pain and pleasurable pain, as well as the apparent inability of many people to happily settle for continuous lifelong monogamy makes multi-partnered sex an incredibly relevant topic. Before embarking on the good ship orgy, take a few things into consideration. Conversing with current and potential bed buddies on these points doesnt have to become a three hour long committee hearing replete with Powerpoint presentation or anything. Just make sure everyones on the same page and youll find your dive into the ocean of group sex to be relatively shark-free.

 

1. Decide ground rules in advance. This rule is number one because it, above all, is necessary for keeping the fun going smoothly. Nothing ruins a modern recreation of the reign of Caligula like your girlfriend yelling, Oh no, you didnt!

            The specific parameters on which you might settle will depend on the number, gender, sexual orientations and relative comfort levels of all the players on the field. And often, a normally monogamous couple may want to keep certain activities limited to the two of them (for example: kissing or penetration) but are cool with other contact. If there is something you know for certain you dont want to look over and see your man or woman doing, say it up front and explicitly.

 

2. Consider possible effects on pre-existing relationships. Its long been my thought that the best slot to fill in a threesome is that of the interloping newcomer, preferably as a relative stranger. That way, should things degenerate into a mess, all thats ruined is a night, not an established bond.

            Take stock of the risks and evaluate the likelihood of a fall out. Does one of you get angrily jealous at the sight of the other one flirting? Maybe group sex is just meant to be a fantasy the two of you talk about together. Honestly consider how it will feel to see your boyfriend going down on your roommate or your wife getting some heavy petting from the cute checkout girl from Trader Joes. If the visceral reaction to that image is more centrally located in your crotch than your gut, you have a green light.

 

3. Pick good partners. Herein lies the challenge: not only finding someone willing to have sexual relations with you but also with your partners and perhaps any other tertiary characters who may end up in the mix. It works out best when everyone is equally interested in everyone else there, but thats going to be a tall order, like herding cats or making a respectable vegan Philly cheesesteak.

            Your partners must be open to adventure, reasonably patient, considerate and respectful. Id go so far as to state the obvious: if you wouldnt trust them alone in your apartment, perhaps this is not the best person with whom to start your group sex quest.

            Im sure there are a couple of you sitting at home, saying, damnit, where do I find anybody whos going to be into this? Stop telling me who NOT to bring home. There are a number of venues. There are the online swingers sites where you can shop for, chat with and arrange meetings with potential candidates. These can be extremely helpful, especially for those established in the swinger scene, but may require membership dues and are pretty heterosexist. Theres the bar scene, obviously, but that requires some charisma, bravado and a willingness to go home empty-handed. And then theres the number one way Americans find themselves in group sex: friends and other easily accessible people. Social lubricants like alcohol are not inherently necessary but they sure sound like a good idea to me most of the time.

 

4. Never assume. Just because a guy or gal is willing to hop in the sack with two frat boys, three strippers, a parking valet, a lumberjack and a narcoleptic honors student in the backroom at a marketing companys Christmas party doesnt mean theyre willing to do anything. Whats preposterously revolting to one person may be everyday appropriate to another. Keep communication open at all times by talking (sexily, preferably) during the act and chiming in the moment something seems a like a bad idea to you.

 

5. Orgies are not democracies. You know the concept of majority rule? Chuck that one right out the window and watch it get run over by oncoming traffic. No matter how many dozen people in the room think it sounds really hot for person A and person B to do activity X, if either A or B are uncomfortable, activity X is not an option.

            Group sex is about enjoyment, not coercion. You want to direct a porno? Get in the business and actors and actresses will gladly make all your elaborate, twisted, slightly messy dreams come true for a moderate recompense. But right now you should chill out and be grateful youre invited to the current goings on.

 

6. Make sure everyones included. Dance with the one what brung ya, kiddos. I know it sounds a little middle school summer campy to insist everyone gets a turn but it is important that all involved feel wanted and appreciated, not used or forgotten. This is especially important in odd-numbered situations.

Do not bring home someone merely as a warm up and background prop for you and your partner to get it on. And dont rationalize leaving out your regular partner unless its been stated ahead of time that they are ok with just watching. Its group sex, people, the best ever reason to act like a free-loving hippie.

 

7. Safety first. Yadda yadda condoms, yadda yadda, disease and pregnancy. If you dont already know this stuff, you need to make an appointment with a friendly health professional who can flick you repeatedly in the forehead until you understand. More people=more need to be careful. Use a different condom with each partner, have copious amounts of protection and lube readily available and for gods sake, get yourself tested regularly and ask everyone else if they have too.

 

8. Group sex is its own goal. Having orgasm as the primary goal during sex is a bad deal anyway; it puts weird pressure on the situation and takes away the purported purpose of pleasure and lovemaking. This is particularly true when the action is supposed to be fun and experimental. So, you cant come? You came too quickly? Somehow that seems less worrisome to me than what I should eat for dinner, so stop whining. Just enjoy it, take your time, have fun, keep an open mind and a good attitude. A sense of humor is going to come in very handy, I guarantee it.

3 thoughts on “8 simple rules for great group sex

  1. I’m wondering if you can comment next on all the possible combinations that group sex can entail. Usually we see two girls and one guy and that seems so limiting. So, any recommendations for all the different types of situations and how communication and/or practices may have to be altered from what we’re normally exposed to when a “threesome” is mentioned?

    Sure, it may be easy to handle a few of your close friends in the sack, but what about a big ole’ orgy? To me, a large group sex situation sounds nearly impossible to stay safe and protected–somebody could sneak up on you! What do you think Timaree?

  2. Pingback: Sex with Timaree | Dr. Marc Lamont Hill

  3. Pingback: The Eternal Dilemma: Threesome or No? «

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