When Her Cake’s Not All that Tasty
This classic column originally appeared at the barbershop notebooks where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday
Question to the Sexpert:
“I’m a bisexual woman and I’ve been with my girlfriend for three months. I love her and everything, problem is I don’t love going down on her. She thinks it’s emotional distance, but I really don’t like the way she tastes. She has great hygiene, so that isn’t the problem. How do I tell her without her getting offended?”
You’re to be commended to taking the step of asking for help instead of just letting this fester in your brain and become a huge deal breaker.
Because I can very clearly see a day months down the road, after some minor fight about who was supposed to take the recycling to the bins where she’d say something spiteful like, “yeah, well you DO look fat in those pants,” and you’d let go of this whopper of an evaluation. Hours later, after the forensics unit clears the debris, they will find the body of your now headless favorite childhood toy and there you’d be, wishing you’d just found a way to gently mention it to her at a more opportune time…and continuing to look for Mr. BudgeBudge’s head.
This question is unbelievably important for our male readers as well. The things that influence vaginal secretions also make a big difference in the taste of semen. And, if you wrack your brain for a minute, you might be able to think of a real upside to making your semen taste yummy.
There are several ways of going about this campaign, and several possible explanations for the funk in her parliament.
EXPLANATION #1- HEALTH PROBLEM: chronic yeast infections, a number of sexually transmitted (but curable!) infections, and medications can change the taste of vaginal secretions and semen.
CURE: Your lady is going to need to see a physician about this one, and getting her there might mean you have to grow a spine and break the news to her. It may come down to a simple, “baby, I’m kind of worried about you. I mean, I don’t mind it or anything, but you might have some of the symptoms of candidiasis.” If she freaks, she freaks, but once it’s taken care of, there’s no need for anyone to be mad at anyone. Remind her how much you love her and want to be completely honest.
EXPLANATION #2- DIET AND LIFESTYLE: a steady intake of cigarettes and alcohol do a number of things to your body, not the least of which is make your naughty bits emit foul flavored fluids. Eating red meat, onions, garlic, dairy products, asparagus, cauliflower, broccoli or chocolate (oh god no!), having high stress levels, doing coke, and not drinking enough water can all lead to saltier, bitter or even putrid tastes.
CURE: If you’re afraid to be fully honest, you can still influence her life for general health reasons. Encourage her to drop the cigarette habit ASAP, start introducing a vegetarian diet full of citrus fruits (especially pineapples), bananas, cinnamon, parsley and celery and switching her chemically processed alcohol for high quality fermented beer and you’ll notice dramatic changes within days. As someone who downs gallons of water every day, I cannot oversell the importance of drinking enough H2O. If your pee isn’t coming out clear, you’re not taking in enough fluids.
EXPLANATION #3-MINOR HYGIENE/BLAME SOCIETY: While someone with a full blown bush may be just dandy and someone with a bald beaver may be operating a bread factory (god, that’s gross), there are minor hygienic benefits to spending a little more time tending to the fields down yonder.
Pubic hair is intended to trap pheremones, which are SUPPOSED to attract mates but our culture has completely eradicated all natural scents in favor of deodorants, perfumes and chemicals. So we’ve become accustomed to preferring neutral and artificial flavors over the natural smell and taste of bodies.
CURE: If your lady is more hirsute than hairless, perhaps you can talk her into trying out the wonders of the Telly Savalas look. Vaginas naturally cleanse themselves constantly and without any hair to trap the goings-on, they can smell rather different. Another thought: perhaps she needs to switch up her underwear style, opting for something more breathable.
EXPLANATION #4-IT’S ACTUALLY YOUR FAULT: every person has their own unique flavor, regardless of health and what they put into their body. As anyone who’s ever stood in a crowded elevator knows, there are armpits you’d much prefer to have your face stuck near over others. Same goes for genitals. Perhaps hers is not the vagina flavor you prefer. Perhaps you don’t really like the taste in general.
CURE: If you don’t want to hold out for “you’ll grow to like it; remember you used to hate broccoli!” then there are flavored lubes available that come in fruity, dessert, mint and other varieties. And there’s always the introduction of foods into the bedroom: whipped cream, strawberries, edible undies, etc, as well as the ole’ sucking-on-an-Altoid-while-giving-head trick which will double as both a sensory experience for her and a sensory deprivation experience for you.
I vastly prefer couples having open communication about sex, which means summoning the will to tell your beloved that her hoo-ha tastes like licking a battery for the sake of your relationship. It would be best case scenario that it come up casually, be discussed carefully but honestly and in the context of how much you love love love her. Good luck and consider using those explanations for your own genital health!
Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com