Sex with Timaree

This classic column originally appeared at thebarbershop notebooks where Sex with Timaree runs every Monday.

Question to the Sexpert:

My girlfriend and I had a long debate and we thought you were in a unique situation to answer the question.  I know it’s largely opinion based, but your opinion is key: Which is worse to go down on: poorly kept unwashed male privates or poorly kept unwashed female privates? It was my opinion poorly kept female privates are worse (don’t get me wrong, I am not at all grossed out by going down on girls, quite the opposite) due to the internal side of things. Her opinion was that sweat makes poorly kept guys worse.

So let me get this right. You and your sex partner sat around proclaiming that the other person’s half of the species has nastier, less appealing genitalia. Yeah, that certainly can’t end badly.

As you said in your question, this is highly subjective. Any person who’s had a particularly funky trip going down on a girl with a yeast infection or a guy who just came home from the gym is going to be completely genuine when they proclaim they’d rather take straight tequila shots from Karl Rove’s man boobs than repeat that experience.

The Basics

There are a few generally agreeable principles we need set out at the beginning to examine this question further:
-There is a big difference between unclean, unkempt genitals and nether regions suffering from bacterial infection. You know when something is funky and when it deserves a doctor’s visit.
-Your own scent doesn’t bother you the same way it bothers other people: not only are you used to it but your head is a lot further away from ground zero than someone servicing the goods.
-Take a fucking shower (or at least make an effort to clean up a bit) before someone goes down on you. I don’t care if you did spend all day thinking of me and can’t wait to get the party started. The party can wait for 2 and a half minutes.
-If you’ve never gone both ways you must concede you’re only making assumptions about the conditions on the playing fields.

Thanks, Bath & Body Works…

What colors this entire conversation, unfortunately, are societal expectations of cleanliness, masculinity and femininity. There is the commonly understood idea that men are SUPPOSED to be sweaty and hairy and that’s why we like them. But that ends up meaning a lot of swamp ass goes unattended, which is no good for anyone.

There is also the belief (thank you, pornography!) that women’s bits are supposed to be hairless, odorless, unobtrusive, light pink and tiny. This perception has given some first-timers a shock when they find out that performing cunnilingus on a real live female is somewhat more involved than going down on an unsuspecting Barbie doll.

And we, as Americans, have convinced ourselves the only pleasant smells are entirely neutral or artificial yet flower-like. Pheromones, which you’ve totally heard of, are the chemicals our bodies release that are picked up by people who might want to mate with us that communicate to them that that’s a fantastic idea and we’ll meet them at the bar at 8. Yet, due to our obsessive antibacterial hand wash habits and addiction to Donna Karen’s Cashmere we don’t come in contact with pheromones much anymore and are unsure how to proceed when we encounter them.

We know that when someone gets sexually excited, you can see it and you can smell it. That smell, that healthy horny smell, is awesome if you’re attracted to the person. But I think we all know we’re talking about more than that. We’re talking about those bad choices we made and unpleasant surprises we’ve had that damn near put us off the stuff for awhile.

Here’s Hoping You’re Not Eating Lunch Right Now

Here’s the real deal: all women have some degree of discharge. The amount and the properties of that discharge vastly depend upon the woman, her personal habits, the amount of genital hair, her diet, her hormones, her clothing and her overall health. Men have a buttload of sweat glands at the base of the penis and all over the balls. The amount and the funkiness of that sweat depend upon the man, his personal habits, the amount of genital hair, his diet, his hormones, his clothing and his overall health.

If we’re talking purely about healthy organs (nobody’s got a yeast infection or STI or bacterial growth) then it’s fair to say women’s bodies produce more fluids that come out before and during oral sex that carry a natural scent. It could be argued that the physical structure of female genitalia means you get closer to the scent production. In that way, I give you a slight edge over your girlfriend in this argument. However, if the woman wears cotton panties and the man is unshaven and wears super tight briefs, then going down on him is going to be like licking an armpit in comparison and your girlfriend wins.

The moral of the story is everyone needs to do the following things and we never have to talk about this again:
-quit smoking            

-take a shower, for fuck’s sake
-drink way more water         

-go to the doctor if you have any signs of infection
-wear loose fitting, breathable underwear fabrics
- read this blog about making your juices taste better.