Sex with Timaree

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Question to the Sexpert:

“I’m a 34 year old woman a few months away from getting married for the first time. I’m very happy with my fiancé and looking forward to the wedding but there is one matter that bothers me. For as long as I can remember, my sexual fantasies have revolved around little boys having sex with each other or with older men. That’s what I think about when I masturbate and if I need an extra “oomph” during sex, my thoughts go to that. I get really turned on at the time, but afterwards I feel a lot of shame and guilt. I don’t know where this fantasy comes from and I’ve never told another person. I would never ever think about having sex with a little boy in real life but I’m still worried that I need to fix this before committing to be married. What should I do?”

First off, I want to interject how honored I am to be the single other human in the universe with whom you’d share such a deeply personal part of yourself. Well, me and however many readers might be tuning in…or any semi-literate house pets that may have walked across a laptop in just the right way to bring up this column.

Although I’ve been a sex knowledge dispensary for more than a third of my life, it never fails to move me that so many folks display that kind of trust. And I want to assure you and all other query-writers that everything is kept in the strictest confidence. Not even a scantily clad Megan Fox wielding a hot poker in one hand and an ice cream cake in the other could pry from me your personal information.

But back to your dilemma.

The answer is very simple, really. This might seem trite or easier said than done, but chill the fuck out. Fantasies are something meant to be created and enjoyed, an element of your inner life that you’re allowed to keep entirely to yourself if you prefer.

Plenty of people want advice on how to actualize their brain candy, getting the wife to agree to a wild threesome or locating a team of Eastern European gymnasts who can hold their breath for a really long time. But rarely do elaborate, specific fantasies work out in real life as well as they do up in the brain. Your particular set of naughty thoughts would not only be difficult to arrange to your exact likings, but probably not particularly satisfying in the harsh light of reality. Although it might give you plenty to think about as the nice officer escorts you from County to your trial.

But you already said that you don’t want to act on these ideas. You just seem concerned with the fact that these thoughts occur to you and wonder if they will affect your ability to maintain a healthy, satisfying married relationship. Well, like I said, chill the fuck out.

No one knows why we have the fantasies we do. Sometimes they’re based on early learning, past experiences or formative events. Sometimes they are symbolic, safe (or unsafe) expressions of unconscious desires. Sometimes they are release valves, vacations away from our real life thoughts.

Whatever. It gets you off. It pulls you out of reality into a world of hot, all-consuming, dirty, nasty eroticism appealing directly to the pleasure centers of your brain under the exact circumstances that turn you on the most. That’s awesome that you have located something that can do that for you consistently.

Yes, the content is upsetting in some ways: it’s illegal, you probably find it personally offensive and immoral and if you never tell another soul about it, it will probably save you a headache. But you’re not actually DOING anything and you express a lack of interest in ever doing anything about it. No real people are being exploited, no relationships are being compromised, no physical or emotional damage is being inflicted anywhere. It doesn’t make you love your fiancé any less and it won’t do any damage to your marriage unless you remain so conflicted internally about your shame and guilt that you act out.

If you feel like you need to share this with your partner, then think about what you hope to gain from the revelation and decide for yourself if it seems like a good idea. There’s always the possibility he will be glad to know more about your inner workings and even want to dirty talk through fantasy scenarios with you. There’s also the strong possibility it will weird him out. But if you’re going to get hitched, this will certainly not be the last time he finds out something that he finds awkward and upsetting. Lord knows there are going to be some bathroom doors left open during a #2 over the next few decades.

Go! Go enjoy your engagement, go enjoy the safety and freedom of your own brain and absolve yourself of responsibility for thought crimes.

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com