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The Eternal Dilemma: Threesome or No?

Posted in Bisexuality, Fantasy, Group Sex, Long Term Relationships with tags , , , , , on June 29, 2009 by Timaree

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two girls shy

Question to the Sexpert:

“A 6+ year relationship ended early last year, and recently i’ve moved toward becoming “official” with one person after spending a year on my own, exploring, etc….She’s very sweet and we get along great and we have a mutual friend whom i have always been very friendly/flirtatious, but nothing has ever happened. Lately they go out on weekends and talk about me….

I’m just wondering if this is dangerous territory for me, despite the potential awesomeness that could (and most definitely would) ensue. If this turns threesome-y, I want to know potential dangers, etc…I don’t need to do ANYTHING to make it happen, I’m asking you basically if you were me what would you do?”

As we all knew within 15 minutes of it being made public, Michael Jackson has passed on to the next stage of the game. It gives us an unparalleled opportunity to revisit his outrageously brilliant discography, for djs to demonstrate how poorly they can speak off script, and a chance for every third person on facebook to make a crack about how it makes sense he would die of food poisoning because it’s pretty dangerous to eat 12 year old wieners.

Ba doom chish.

It’s also a time for media to remind us of various nadirs in his plastic surgery history. We can see his nose slowly erode and his face melting from cute Black boy to fascinating anime character. While this opens up the floodgates for jokes, one has to wonder: What was he GOING FOR?

I mean, what was the goal? Was he just fucking around, trying things out, like a compulsive tattoo acquirer who ends up with a mess of unrelated ink up and down their back because they can’t just write out their angst in a diary like a normal person? Did he have a vision of where he wanted his cosmetic alterations to take him ultimately? Or was he just swinging in the dark at attempts to look “better?”

You may have gathered this ridiculously long non sequitur is an analogy. What’s your goal here? What do you want to accomplish, both in this potential three-way action and in your relationship situation in general? When you know what you want (and what you don’t), it’s easier to know when you’re headed towards danger.

You start your query with a quick intro into your relationship history, so that must have some importance to you. If so, I can tell you this group wildin’ out is a pretty sure fire way of guaranteeing you won’t date this main girl for very long. Obviously there are exceptions to this: I’m sure there are plenty of folks who’ve had a drunken orgy on a first date and went on to be married for thirty years but aside from that being awesome, it’s also mad rare.

Statistically speaking, relationships “survive” group sex and polyamory (multiple lovers) a lot more if they’ve already been in existence for over a year.

Why? Because it’s stressful on a number of fronts. You have jealousy to contend with, and even if you swear on a stack of Richard Dawkins books you don’t feel jealousy, it has an effect. You have to ensure everyone feels equally included, massage through the awkwardness of deciding if this is a one-time or regular event, hammer out ground rules of who can do what to whom and how, and then ensure with every fiber of your being that you won’t ever hold it against each other that the craziness went down the way it did. Cause stuff happens smoothly and organically in the moment that gets interpreted very differently in the sober light of day during a routine disagreement about who put the dishes away last time.

You: “Seriously, this is the third time in a row you’ve claimed it was my turn.”

Her: “Well maybe you should ask Whatsherface, since you came on her face and not mine. Maybe she can put the dishes away for you since you’re sooooo close.”

See? No one wants that.

But there are plenty of positives to be had! It’s a unique life experience, an opportunity to develop a very open communication line with your girl, it sets the bar high on sexual creativity, there’s the chance it’ll make you all better friends with a deeper intimacy, you can all learn more about yourselves and what you like, and the most obvious: it can be damn fun with a side of indescribable physical pleasure. Hard to turn down an offer like that.

My advice: trust your gut. Decide ahead of time what you want. Talk things through with the girls until you’re all sure you’re on the same page. Read more of what I’ve written on group situations here . Keep thinking, keep talking and be considerate of everyone involved.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com See more at SexwithTimaree.com

Sexpert Timaree Schmit is currently finishing her doctorate in Human Sexuality, the culmination of a lifetime of prurient interests. She has worked as a sex educator writing for both academic and popular media for over seven years, and as an HIV Prevention Counselor, peer sexuality educator and adjunct professor. She was the founding Chair of the Human Sexuality Education Student Organization (HSEDSO) and is an active member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and the Society for Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS). You can see more of her work at SexWithTimaree.com

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It’s a double, rounding third….

Posted in Bisexuality, Coming Out, Fantasy, Group Sex, Infidelity, LGBT, Long Term Relationships with tags , , on May 25, 2009 by Timaree

threesome

Question to the Sexpert:

“My girlfriend and I love each other beyond words. Our sex life is great…after 4 years we are still attracted to each other and keep things fresh with toys, videos and new ideas now and again. So we have been talking for a while… We want to have a threesome with another girl.  We have some rules and what we would both want out of it. It is a sexual fantasy we both want to experience together. During sex we will just yell shit about a threesome and we both get totally turned on.

I have had a threesome before and been with plenty of girls. She has never been with a girl and is kind of coming into her own sexually.  She has had some crushes on girls but things just never worked out. We posted on CL and talked with this girl we both liked for a bit but she got a BF. We don’t just want sex, we want to meet a cool girl we can hang with a bit and play with if EVERYONE is cool. Soooo how the hell do we engage and explore this fantasy? Any idea where we can meet a girl who is open to this? I was told by several people that going to [a lesbian bar] was not a good idea.”

Let me start by telling you a story about a friend of mine who may or may not actually be a fictional composite of several real people that is intended to act as a hyperbolic anecdotal example to prove a point. May or may not, like I said.

So this friend of mine is in her mid twenties, smart, pretty, interesting, funny, generous, friendly, loving and a variety of other standard desirable traits. Despite having this laundry list of attractive qualities she has never had a significant other in her life, despite wishing fervently for such a thing more than anything in the whole, wide world. Why, you ask?

Because it’s fucking hard to find real love.

Yeah, any yahoo can find someone to fuck, any dipwad can find someone willing to be their boyfriend or girlfriend (if they set their standards low enough), but to find and meet and be able to date a person whom you “love beyond words” requires both luck and skill to a degree that many go their whole raisin lovin’ lives without it.

And why am I telling you this? Because even though I have every intention of helping you find your third wheel, it’s important you know that it 1. might take a hot minute, 2. won’t necessarily be what you expect and 3. even if it never does, I hope you don’t feel like you lost out on ANYTHING because you’re already winning. Your situation right now is comparable to someone holding the Stanley Cup in one hand, wishing the other hand had a McFlurry.

CLARIFY YOUR GOAL

So you want someone that you can hang out with and bang on the regular? Do you want this girl to be a fuckbuddy, a temporary guest star or another girlfriend? All three are difficult to find, but it’s a lot easier to carve out a niche when everyone at least knows what they want. Know in advance what you do and do not want. This will save everyone grief.

GROUNDRULE DOUBLE

Good work on having a game plan and setting down rules. What are you OK with your girl doing with this other girl? What are you OK with doing? What would be considered “cheating?” Does everyone need to be present for sex to happen? Are there some activities you want to keep off the menu? Plan now for how to manage your jealousy. You might be convinced you won’t feel even a pang of insecurity at any point, but if you don’t have a backup emergency jealousy plan, you might as well schedule a vicious, resentment-filled fight with your lady for next Wednesday and hide all the china.

PACK FOR INCLEMENT WEATHER

Everything can work out great, I assure you; but rarely is this easy to orchestrate to a tee. You might find a willing hot girl, but she may not be any good in bed. You may find someone good in bed, but she might want a relationship with different terms than you’re prepared for. You might find someone who wants one of you more than the other. These are not tragedies, worth gnashing of teeth and angsty status updates. These are just unexpected forks in roads you’re bravely venturing.

R E S P E C T, SOCK IT T ME

One of the biggest problems facing couples seeking a third is that there are a very small number of folks in the world who are interested in something more than a one-time hookup that isn’t a full-blown relationship. It asks a lot of them emotionally to invest in two people sexually on a regular basis with the knowledge that, at any time, the couple might change their mind and kick them to the curb. They’re like temps, without an agency to which they can return.

This girl will know she’s a second-class citizen, even though she does wield the power of having what you both want. You need to respect this person, think about her feelings and the fact she might also want someone who loves her beyond words. You have a lot to offer her, make this an appealing situation in which to become entangled.

LOGISTICS

You can Craigslist, AdultFriendFinder and the like if you want a hookup. You can try dating sites if you want something a little more relationship-y. Again, be prepared to contact endless numbers of girls whose goals do not align with yours. There are also sites catering specifically to people finding a third. Otherwise, you can find a woman the old-fashioned way: picking her up when you’re out and about. Work together as a team to attract her: one of you catches a cute girl’s eye, the other chats her up. Present as a pair of individuals who are united in their attraction to her, not as a pair ganging up on her.  Also, it’s more likely to succeed if your girl is the initial attraction point and you are the icing on the cake. Sorry, but it’s true.  Frickin heteronormative culture.

Making her aware of your attachment to each other is important for honesty’s sake, but she is a person with feelings and she probably doesn’t have a ton of interest in being your interchangeable foreplay object who could just as easily be a sex swing, intended purely for spicing shit up between you two. Make this about all three of you having a good time. Show your attraction to her specifically and emphasize that you both are into HER, not just the notion of you banging your lady while she eats lunch at the Y.

It is for this reason that you should definitely avoid lesbian bars. The women there have seen their share of selfish hetero boy/ bi girl couples looking for a nameless, faceless third. They want no part of it. Aim for a bi-curious straight girl at a run-of-the-mill bar or nightclub if you’re going to go that route.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you’re both good looking, personable, friendly and fun you’ll find success soon enough. Just remember that even though this is clearly about your relationship, it’s not just about you two. Make this appealing for your potential third: an honor, an adventure, something wacky she can tell her friends about. Be OK with your highest hopes not being met and you’ll be just fine.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com

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Dealing with Her Bisexuality

Posted in Bisexuality, Desire, Fantasy, Gender, Group Sex, Infidelity, LGBT, Long Term Relationships with tags , , , on April 6, 2009 by Timaree

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jessica biel, getting her ass groped, feet away from her boyfriend, justin timberlake

jessica biel, getting her ass groped, feet away from her boyfriend, justin timberlake

Question to the Sexpert:

“I’ve been dating a girl who’s bisexual for almost two months now. I’m crazy about her, everything’s clicking, and a few days ago, we officially declared ourselves exclusive. Only problem is we haven’t exactly discussed any “ground rules” – if there are any to be made – covering her bisexuality. I know it goes well beyond some experimental phase and that she’ll always be very attracted to women. I’m okay with that and I certainly wouldn’t want to limit her or deprive her of something that she innately desires, and that I could never physically provide for her myself. But at the same time, I’ve never been in a relationship where other people are fair game, and I have no idea how I’d react to such a situation. Part of me says, hey, it’s just chicks, and that’s always hot, and the other says, um, why can’t I be enough? It’s a tough situation to hash out on my own. Care to help a brother out?”

Congrats on your acquisition of a shiny new bisexual girlfriend, the ultimate in gifts that keep on giving. You have unwittingly (or perhaps quite wittingly) entered a world with the potential for sexual adventurousness and excitement that can only be paralleled by fame and recreational drug use. Kudos. Here’s hoping you got one of the sane ones.

 

Bisexual girls, like most girlfriends, do not come with owners’ manuals. And, as handy as that would be (Page 23: Care and Feeding for Your Bi Girl- keep plenty of cartons of ice cream on hand, along with copious amounts of body glitter and sluttily short skirts), it’s hard to make generalizations about handling bisexuality within the context of an “exclusive” relationship. I use the quotation marks around “exclusive” because the designation of exclusivity by definition means you don’t have to worry about this. But it sounds like your situation is a little more flexible than the standard default monogamy.

 

I applaud you for being so selfless and rational in your approach to this situation. It shows not only foresight into potential future concerns but also great insight into your own complex feelings about the matter. It’s difficult for anyone to manage their dual desires to make sure one’s spot is solidly secure and still allow one’s partner to freely live and grow. For most couples, be they straight or gay, the dilemma of polyamory versus traditional exclusivity is complicated enough. But when it comes to a straight person and a bi person together, the situation gets even hairier.

 

After all, there’s no direct way to make it “fair.” In a hetero, gay or lesbian pairing, you just do or just don’t fuck other people. End of story. You come up with the rules and shades of gray (you can go to the movies, but you can’t kiss; you can kiss, but you can’t give a hand job…) but it’s just a matter of drawing arbitrary lines that apply equally to both partners. With a bi partner, you have the concern that you’re keeping her from something that is intrinsically part of her if you don’t “let” her step out. More to the point, there’s the fear that if you don’t concede to this desire openly, it will eventually come to a head and explode in your face.

 

Yet, if she’s allowed to hook up with other girls, you ought to be granted comparable freedoms as well, right? Perhaps, but some would disagree that it’s fair for you to be able to bang other women. Some would say that because relationships with men and women are inherently different, you being with another woman is not the same. Even your letter indicates that you have some level of agreement with that sentiment. The only truly fair way to handle this is to allow you to be with other men, really. But if that’s not your thing, well….. hell. Are you just out of luck?

 

It comes down to the particular bisexual girlfriend in question. Some bisexuals are pleased as punch with monogamy and once they find a partner, are fully occupied. Others seemingly require a little from column A and a little from column B at all times. Some are fine with a long term relationship with one gender with periodic dosages of the other. And a given bisexual might vacillate from one group to another over the course of a lifetime. So even if you come up with a plan for now, it might need to be revisited and re-evaluated at a later date.

 

As a result, my suggestion is that you maintain your flexible approach, keeping an open mind and an even more open line of communication so that situations can be discussed on a case-by-case basis. You can create all the theoretical structure and rules you want but reality tends to throw curveballs at you and you’re unlikely to have planned for the “opportunities” that will arise. And if you find yourself in a real bind on how t approach this: just consider threesomes and other more potentially egalitarian solutions until a more long-term plan can be constructed.

 

Oh, and you can take this test. Again, congrats. Bi chicks tend to be way hot.


Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com

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Thought crimes?

Posted in Desire, Fantasy, Group Sex, Infidelity, Marriage, censorship on March 2, 2009 by Timaree

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okeefe_bad_thoughts

Question to the Sexpert:

“I’m a 34 year old woman a few months away from getting married for the first time. I’m very happy with my fiancé and looking forward to the wedding but there is one matter that bothers me. For as long as I can remember, my sexual fantasies have revolved around little boys having sex with each other or with older men. That’s what I think about when I masturbate and if I need an extra “oomph” during sex, my thoughts go to that. I get really turned on at the time, but afterwards I feel a lot of shame and guilt. I don’t know where this fantasy comes from and I’ve never told another person. I would never ever think about having sex with a little boy in real life but I’m still worried that I need to fix this before committing to be married. What should I do?”

First off, I want to interject how honored I am to be the single other human in the universe with whom you’d share such a deeply personal part of yourself. Well, me and however many readers might be tuning in…or any semi-literate house pets that may have walked across a laptop in just the right way to bring up this column.

Although I’ve been a sex knowledge dispensary for more than a third of my life, it never fails to move me that so many folks display that kind of trust. And I want to assure you and all other query-writers that everything is kept in the strictest confidence. Not even a scantily clad Megan Fox wielding a hot poker in one hand and an ice cream cake in the other could pry from me your personal information.

But back to your dilemma.

The answer is very simple, really. This might seem trite or easier said than done, but chill the fuck out. Fantasies are something meant to be created and enjoyed, an element of your inner life that you’re allowed to keep entirely to yourself if you prefer.

Plenty of people want advice on how to actualize their brain candy, getting the wife to agree to a wild threesome or locating a team of Eastern European gymnasts who can hold their breath for a really long time. But rarely do elaborate, specific fantasies work out in real life as well as they do up in the brain. Your particular set of naughty thoughts would not only be difficult to arrange to your exact likings, but probably not particularly satisfying in the harsh light of reality. Although it might give you plenty to think about as the nice officer escorts you from County to your trial.

But you already said that you don’t want to act on these ideas. You just seem concerned with the fact that these thoughts occur to you and wonder if they will affect your ability to maintain a healthy, satisfying married relationship. Well, like I said, chill the fuck out.

No one knows why we have the fantasies we do. Sometimes they’re based on early learning, past experiences or formative events. Sometimes they are symbolic, safe (or unsafe) expressions of unconscious desires. Sometimes they are release valves, vacations away from our real life thoughts.

Whatever. It gets you off. It pulls you out of reality into a world of hot, all-consuming, dirty, nasty eroticism appealing directly to the pleasure centers of your brain under the exact circumstances that turn you on the most. That’s awesome that you have located something that can do that for you consistently.

Yes, the content is upsetting in some ways: it’s illegal, you probably find it personally offensive and immoral and if you never tell another soul about it, it will probably save you a headache. But you’re not actually DOING anything and you express a lack of interest in ever doing anything about it. No real people are being exploited, no relationships are being compromised, no physical or emotional damage is being inflicted anywhere. It doesn’t make you love your fiancé any less and it won’t do any damage to your marriage unless you remain so conflicted internally about your shame and guilt that you act out.

If you feel like you need to share this with your partner, then think about what you hope to gain from the revelation and decide for yourself if it seems like a good idea. There’s always the possibility he will be glad to know more about your inner workings and even want to dirty talk through fantasy scenarios with you. There’s also the strong possibility it will weird him out. But if you’re going to get hitched, this will certainly not be the last time he finds out something that he finds awkward and upsetting. Lord knows there are going to be some bathroom doors left open during a #2 over the next few decades.

Go! Go enjoy your engagement, go enjoy the safety and freedom of your own brain and absolve yourself of responsibility for thought crimes.

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com

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Strip Club Etiquette for Women

Posted in Bisexuality, Body Image, Fantasy, Group Sex with tags , , on January 26, 2009 by Timaree

Welcome to Sex with Timaree. Check back Monday, Wednesday and Friday for fresh content!

stripper-pole

Question to the Sexpert:

“My boyfriend wants me to come with him some time to the strip club. He thinks it’d be hot and maybe would finally set the stage for us to have a threesome. I’m not so sure I feel comfortable in a place like that and I don’t know how to behave there at all. What’s the etiquette for women visiting?”

Oh, for the love of……

Take this column, print it out and hand it directly to your boyfriend. And I mean hand it, don’t just leave it on the fridge next to the inspirational pictures of what you used to look like in a bikini and the snarky 50s style magnets. And when you hand it to him, point to the line below, tapping your index finger repeatedly on the next twelve words:

****LET YOUR GIRLFRIEND STAY HOME FROM THE STRIP CLUB, YOU STUPID DOUCHENOZZLE!****

What he fails to recognize, with his puerile little brain has been too overcome by Jagerbombs, hair wax and collar-popping to comprehend, is that this is the worst idea since the greenlighting of the first episode of The Hills.

There are more than a few sources available on strip club etiquette and while the tips differ slightly from one expert to another, they are nearly unanimous in their admonishment to leave un-cool or reticent girlfriends/wives at home. That’s not to say you, girlfriend, are not cool. You are, however, very likely going to be unable to help yourself from committing behavioral gaffes that will piss off strippers and cause a post-apocalyptic meltdown between you and the boyfriend.

Those of you out there in Readerland who’ve been to a gentleman’s club or two have seen examples: the uncomfortable, jealous girl with her arms crossed over her chest, glaring angrily alternately between the body of the dancer and the face of her preoccupied male companion. The ultimate effect it has on the mood of the club being somewhere between getting a stern lecture from the principal and having your mom walk in while you’re masturbating.

And the notion that this jaunt down to the local strip club is going to result in a torrid ménage a trois is laughable. It’s more likely you’ll find your soulmate in line at a check cashing place on a day you’ve got pinkeye.

That said, if you still decide to go, despite the fact it seems as good of an idea as removing your body hair via controlled burn, here is the advice I gathered for women (and men) who want to check out the scene:

DOUBLE THE TROUBLE- Couples can cause lots of problems. They think they get 2 for the price of 1 lap dances and they take turns getting jealous. Don’t be one of those couples.

DRESS APPROPRIATELY- Don’t go in there trying to out-skank the dancers by wearing something overly revealing and/or glittery. This, like the following rule, is because every drop of attention you take from the women at work is going to come back to haunt you. If the creepier menfolk there don’t make you regret the decision, the dancers surely will.

I REPEAT, DON’T TAKE ATTENTION FROM THE DANCERS- No giving lapdances to your boyfriend, no making out in the club, no loudly talking, no hooting and hollering, etc. This, for once, is not about you.

BASIC COURTESY- For some reason this eludes people, but don’t talk disparagingly about the dancers or their bodies, don’t try to touch, don’t make obscene gestures or comments. Just because you’re at a place where women are naked does not mean you can go all Lord of the Flies and turn into a complete savage. For more basic courtesy, check here or here.

IT’S NOT LADIES NIGHT- Being a girl entitles you to no special treatment. There are no discounts at the door, you still have to tip and you don’t get to touch if the men don’t.

TIP. TIP AGAIN. TIP SOME MORE-Especially if you sit up front around the railing. And don’t forget to tip the wait staff who bring your over-priced drinks. And contrary to the wisdom of popular music, making it rain is actually incredibly annoying: it means they have to crawl around trying to grab money you could have just slid into their g strings.

My overall aim is not to discourage women from attending these kind of establishments. Far from it. Instead, it’s to allow the separate universes of strip clubs and non-strip club lovers to maintain their peaceful co-existence. If it sounds like fun: by all means, check it out. But if you think you’ll find it sketchy, degrading, uncomfortable or exploitative, you’re absolutely right.

And for what is either the most evilly funny or the most awful thing ever: click here.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com

 

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