Question to the Sexpert:
“My fiancé and I are both interested in swinging, but we’re both hesitant as well. I know I’d like to be with other women and she has said she’d like to experiment with other men and maybe women but I don’t know how we would handle it if it were actually right in our faces. It’s one thing to talk about, it’s another to see your future wife getting it on with some stranger. Is there some way to know if we are the kind of people who can make this work or if we should just keep it as a fantasy?”
There is one sure-fire way to know if, fundamentally, you are meant to be the type of person who can successfully swing. It includes a blood test, a short written portion taken from the Miller Analogies and a series of breath-holding competitions between you and a sugared up 14 year old. If you pass all three sections, you are cleared for hard swapping and are allowed to immediately begin banging peoples’ wives without consequence- not unlike having diplomatic immunity.
Ummm… Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Perhaps there’s no way to know what you’re capable of, up for and genuinely interested in without giving the challenge an honest try. What I can say is that open relationships, polyamory, swinging, swapping and other varieties of relationship models are not for everyone and may be more amenable to a person’s life at different times than others. But since you’re both expressing interest in the world outside of automatic compulsory monogamy, it’s likely something to keep talking about, even if you don’t go joining a swinger website and start attending key parties.
There are also a variety of ways to enter into The Lifestyle. There are as many ways to open up your relationship as there are stars in the sky and worthless things to purchase at Sharper Image. Just because all you’ve ever known about swingers fit into a particular schema doesn’t mean you have to change yourself to fit that mold, taking steps you’re not ready for or and endangering your relationship.
For your convenience, I’ve compiled a sort of list of potential levels of swingeritude to consider, ranging from the least daunting to most potentially challenging. The exact order is totally debatable and you may find some activities far more intense than others that are further down on the list. But be aware the vast majority of swingers (around 70-80 percent) don’t do full on hard swaps (intercourse with others). Talk it over with your fiancé and see what shakes out of the conversation.
• Dance with other people at a club
• Go to strip club together, get a lap dance separately or together
• One partner watches while the other makes out with others
• Make out with other people, possibly including some genital play (soft swapping)
• Watch others have sex (voyeurism)
• Have sex in front of others (exhibitionism)
• Trade partners for intercourse (hard swapping)
• Open up the possibility of secondary partners who have sex with one or both of you but who remain subordinate to your primary couple
• Introduce one (or multiple) partners into a regular, serious, sexual relationship with both of you (polyfidelity) or only one of you (vee- because charted out the relationship forms the shape of the letter V with one person as a hinge between two others)
Consider that there are lots of little things you can do even within these parameters- like having certain activities that you and your fiancé only do together- be it intercourse, sharing body fluids (all other partners would require a barrier method of protection like a dental dam or condom) or whatever. If you decide to go down this route you will need to know and communicate clearly:
1. What you each want – be honest. If this is just a slow curve towards dropping her ass for the single life, say so. If this is about wanting to see her get fucked by three dudes, put that shit out there. Whatever your interests, motivations or curiosity, it’s best to be real.
2. What is best for the relationship – what you want and want she wants are important, but there has to be agreement or else the ship that is your relationship is going to sink right after launch.
3. How to negotiate these things- be patient, be willing to renegotiate the rules if the need arises and remember that you got into this together and that it will require some effort on your part to keep things running.
Yep, sounds like a lot of work. If it still sounds good, then by all means, knock your selves out.
Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com