Question to the Sexpert:
“After two years of marriage, my wife and I have only had sex about 7 or 8 times. We waited until we got married to have sex and once we did, I felt conflicted. I don’t know if we aren’t sexually compatible or if I am just not attracted to her anymore. To muddy the waters a little more, my wife has never performed oral sex on me, (I do take care of her) and as of now, I don’t even get aroused when she is around. We both are overweight, so I am sure that has something to do with it, but the reality still remains that I have very little desire to be with my wife sexually. We still love each other, but the sexual frustration that we are both experiencing is taking a toll on our relationship. Other than counseling, what do you advise?”
It’s times like these when I wish I was Sue Johanson, the host of Talk Sex. Not because I would prefer to be a congenial little old lady with a frigate of random dildos sitting behind my desk, but because she gets to talk live to the individuals providing her queries…and because she’s Canadian and that’s pretty awesome.
You, my beloved dear reader, have presented me with a lovely, gift-wrapped basket o’ crap. Not because you are a bad person or because your situation is so dire that I see no good in it, but because you have lain an amalgamation of potentially (but not necessarily) unrelated woes at my feet and asked me to tell you…ummm, something…besides getting counseling, which, ultimately, you are not going to be able to avoid if you want this marriage on track.
To be honest, I would be remiss to say I really understood what your real problem/question is. Are you asking me why you don’t have much sex? Are you asking how to have more? Are you asking why your wife won’t give you head? Are you asking how to increase your general desire or specific attraction to her? Because the answers are wide, varied and potentially explosive: not unlike the vagina of Kim Kardashian. So, to organize my thoughts, here are some issues you’ve brought up and my responses:
1. SAVING YOURSELF FOR MARRIAGE IS LIKE SAVING A BANANA
It can work. Under the right conditions you can keep a banana for a long time and it’ll still be really good. And there is definitely a time frame where it is too early to start chomping, but if you wait past a certain amount, it becomes a better idea to put that bugger in the freezer and consider making banana bread instead.
Did you wait for marriage just for each other or overall? If both of you were virgins at your first sexual union, then your issues might be related to the unfortunate but true fact that people are often let down by reality and having to adjust to the demands of the physical world.
We’re sold a fantastic notion of first-time sex that rarely plays out in real life because most virgins don’t know how to please themselves, much less a partner and feel bad about themselves for not being some sort of sex savant who intuitively knows how to give a wicked good BJ. Perhaps your wife has never given a blowjob and feels frightened she’ll suck at it…. (insert childish giggling).
Perhaps your first sex was underwhelming and neither one of you really wanted seconds. I mean, was that 7 or 8 times any good? It’s ok for sex to be bad the first two or eight or 200 times. This is why people like me are in business, to help educate on making it better. Look into videos like the Better Sex Series from the Sinclair Institute, you might just need a couple pointers to make the process seem more appealing. Consider trying Sensate Focus to take off the pressure of performance.
2. IT’S CALLED A RATIONALE
Perhaps you waited until marriage because neither one of you was all that interested in getting freak nasty to begin with and it was really easy to put off doing something that didn’t look like much fun anyway, yet you feel obligated to be worried about your lack of desire. Perhaps it was a choice based on a belief system or religious conviction and now you’re feeling guilty for doing the thing that, for so long, was verboten. Perhaps one or both of you had bad personal experiences with sex previously and decided to eschew that part of your relationship for the dating stage and are now left with unresolved issues from the past and no excuse for not getting busy.
Were you really attracted to your wife before? Did you want to have sex and then things changed? Has she expressed interest? I’m sorry to answer a question with a bucket of more questions but these are all things to consider and discuss with your wife (and counselor).
3. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Do you want to want your wife more? That will mean talking, counseling and shit, maybe the both of you putting in some effort to be more attractive to each other. Do you want to want sex at all? Talk to a medical doctor about potential physical issues that have impeded your desire. Do you want to be married to your wife? Is this sexual problem causing the strife in your marriage or is it a good excuse for a relationship that is troubled? Is she upset about your lack of interest and activity? Again, all important shit to discuss amongst yourselves….and that inevitable counselor.