All right, take it outside!

This is a classic Sex with Timaree column. Enjoy new pieces here every Monday.

Now I know that the sex lives of each and every one of you are flawlessly ideal. And if I asked your regular partners, they’d say they’d change nothing. But…lets say you’re looking to add the tiniest bit of craziness to the wild fire that is you and your boo bumping fuzzies. One of the simplest yet craziest ways to amp up the spice factor is taking your business public.

Isn’t That a Little Illegal?
Perhaps. There is the little matter of indecent exposure, public lewdness and in certain circumstances, trespassing. And, if you’re going about this properly, operating a vehicle unsafely. These are excellent points, ones that would worry a big lame scaredy baby.

Ok, in fairness, the risk is real and quite frankly, a large part of the appeal of public sex. You can potentially get arrested for getting freak nasty on home plate of your college baseball team’s field, for instance, but if you take certain precautions, go about the endeavor wisely and don’t dilly dally about like a couple of nose-picking second graders, there will be some hot wet madness followed by a swift hop over a low fence and a surge of adrenaline to ride out the rest of the night.

The Basics.
Public sex can be anything from treating your girl to some of the proverbial “lunch at the Y” on some elementary school playground equipment to just making out in front of an open window. It depends on if you want to get a little wild or go completely off your meds. In any circumstances, it would be imperative to make sure authority figures are nowhere in sight and are not likely to drop in imminently. Make sure (if you don’t want to be seen, that is) the lighting is sparse and the sex noise factor is kept to a dull roar.

Location, Location, Location.
Well, actually, while location is fundamental, compared to time of day, it kind of shrinks into inconsequentiality. A skate park at three in the afternoon is entirely different from a skate park at three in the morning, for instance. Late at night you have both the cover of darkness and the advantage of less foot traffic. A liaison in a Ruby Tuesdays parking lot during the day is like walking up to the nearest cop and saying, “I smoke pot…and not infrequently.” After they’ve been closed for a couple hours, though, you might be golden…just look for surveillance cameras.

The location of your public sexual escapades should be influenced most heavily by the level of risk you seek. If you’re the sort of cat who’d like nothing more than to strip naked at your sidewalk café lunch table or fuck against a jukebox in a crowded bar, this column is way too rudimentary for you… and you should call me. But for the rest of the class, let’s discuss some more reasonable options.

Highway to the Danger Zone
Some slightly less crazy yet still high risk locales would include: city apartment balconies below the third floor, dance club floors, elevators, front porches, bedrooms shared with others, subway cars, public beaches and pools and on the Xerox machine at work. There is a reasonable probability you will be seen in these spots so getting frisky is inadvisable unless you are looking for a real exhibitionist experience.

Medium-Hot Horizontal Salsa
Some less zany, but still risky spots include: parked cars in empty parking lots or private roads, back stairways in buildings with elevators, lakes and oceans, empty parks, closed golf courses, non-professional sports arenas, tennis courts, parking garages, unpopular library wings, abandoned buildings, backstage dressing rooms, housing developments under construction, and (taking a hint from the George Michael school of thought) public bathroom stalls. All of these have the potential for someone to come by or overhear but assuming you don’t get carried away with the screaming, things should be relatively safe. As a general rule, if you could get away with smoking pot somewhere, odds are good for sex as well.

One locale that inspires some debate was made famous in a song by the lovely and talented Miss Alanis Morissette: the movie theater. As a former theater employee, I can safely assure you, most of the people working there don’t really give two shits about stopping you, they’re more interested in seeing how long of a straw they construct and still be able to drink Mr. Pibb through it or daring each other to snort popcorn salt.

However, your fellow patrons may have different feelings on the matter. Consequently, keep your afternoon delight to matinees of Cutthroat Island, not opening night of Pirates of the Carribean even if its sequel 12: Orlando Bloom Finally Gets Scurvy. I did use to work with a gent whose greatest joy in life was breaking up make-out sessions during the show, so be on the look out for a bald guy in a wheelchair named Kelly and say, “hi” for me if you see him.

Vanilla with Sprinkles
Still too spicy for your palate? If the kind of rush you seek is more along the lines of getting more hamburgers than you paid for at the drive-through than robbery at gun-point, there is still room for you, my friends. For sex that is hidden in the open try doing it in the living room while your roomies are in the shower (1826 B St saw some of that, eh, Ms. Polles?), keeping the curtains open and the lights on, or by simply leaving the bedroom door slightly ajar.

For those of our rural friends, the freedom provided by an empty country road can make for some great outdoor sex with little risk. And nothing beats the woods for getting some booty and finding acorns to bring back as souvenirs.

As you can imagine, there are an endless number of options beyond those mentioned here for creative sex locations. Feel free to comment below with your outrageous antics and creative endeavors. In the mean time, remember that the best spots are those that just present themselves. Seize the opportunity to mix it up a bit and show that boy toy or little lady your wild side.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s