dating / Long Term Relationships

She’s Just Not That Into You….

I'm thinking really hard about how to answer your important question

Question to the Sexpert:

“Earlier this week I was dumped by my girlfriend of over 4 months after having quite possibly the best relationship either one of us has ever had. We never had one single fight, argument, or disagreement, got along great, had a wonderful time…About three weeks ago she essentially started to avoid me, of course I did not recognize it as such until the excuses became…junior-highish. We both have busy schedules, but made it work just fine for a long time. Then she started breaking off plans with the excuse that she fell asleep. This would be texted to me sometimes hours later after we were to get together. This is understandable every once in a while, but for three weeks straight this was the case in every instance. Finally on Monday when I called her, I was given the excuse that “I have to clean my room, so I probably wont have time to hang out today.” When I was finally able to talk to her again about it, she ended things citing that even though she loves me she no longer has time for a relationship. She lost the ability to fit me into her schedule. I am not entirely convinced that this is the truth.”

Sleeping? Cleaning her room? Hasn’t she ever seen any 1950s movies? The standard bullshit blow off line is “washing my hair.” Duh.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news when you’re already feeling down, but unlike the girl you’ve been seeing, I’m gonna shoot straight with you. Truth is, though, there’s something else going on and she’s not telling you the whole story. I could venture guesses as to what her real motivations were, but they would be just speculation.


It could be anything, really. Maybe she’s mortified about that time she queefed in front of you, maybe she’s having an existential crisis, maybe she’s seeing somebody else. But being busy, as an excuse, is crap. If, in her reality, she simply does not have time for this relationship, then she has changed where it lies in the hierarchy of her priorities. We make time for the things that we value.


This time allotment issue is a source of great conflict for many relationships. When a boyfriend consistently shows up late for dates or a girlfriend seems to only have free time for friends but not her paramour, there’s bound to be hurt feelings. Sometimes it’s a simple matter of time management skills and with some planning and working together, these matters can be completely resolved. But other times it’s a sign… of not giving a shit.

Cleaning her room, napping? Maybe for a day or three. People get busy. And relationships should be a place where you live comfortably, not another job where you clock in and out and be accountable for every moment. So you should be commended for being so cool and understanding when she bailed on your plans. That kind of adaptability is clutch and will serve you well. That is, when you’re involved with someone who is putting in a reciprocal amount of investment.

Like I said, athough you say you never had an argument, there was probably some sort of precipitous event, likely one of which you were unaware. Maybe something that happened when you weren’t even together. Maybe she got some new information about herself, you, or something else entirely that made her think differently. it could be anything.

Point is: you need to decide how much you want this relationship. if it’s worth enough that you’re willing to put your pride on the chopping block, really demand an honest conversation with her. If it’s a matter of miscommunication, bad info or her having some sort of personal problem, she can let you in on that, and you can hash it out. If it’s a matter of her changing her mind or having someone else, you’ll at least know. But it’s up to you whether or not you want to take the risk and put in the effort.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email Timaree at See more at

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