Note from Timaree: this is a classic column, first posted in May of 2009.
Question to the Sexpert:
“My girlfriend and I love each other beyond words. Our sex life is great…after 4 years we are still attracted to each other and keep things fresh with toys, videos and new ideas now and again. So we have been talking for a while… We want to have a threesome with another girl. We have some rules and what we would both want out of it. It is a sexual fantasy we both want to experience together. During sex we will just yell shit about a threesome and we both get totally turned on.
I have had a threesome before and been with plenty of girls. She has never been with a girl and is kind of coming into her own sexually. She has had some crushes on girls but things just never worked out. We posted on CL and talked with this girl we both liked for a bit but she got a BF. We don’t just want sex, we want to meet a cool girl we can hang with a bit and play with if EVERYONE is cool. Soooo how the hell do we engage and explore this fantasy? Any idea where we can meet a girl who is open to this? I was told by several people that going to [a lesbian bar] was not a good idea.”
Let me start by telling you a story about a friend of mine who may or may not actually be a fictional composite of several real people that is intended to act as a hyperbolic anecdotal example to prove a point. May or may not, like I said.
So this friend of mine is in her mid twenties, smart, pretty, interesting, funny, generous, friendly, loving and a variety of other standard desirable traits. Despite having this laundry list of attractive qualities she has never had a significant other in her life, despite wishing fervently for such a thing more than anything in the whole, wide world. Why, you ask?
Because it’s fucking hard to find real love.
Yeah, any yahoo can find someone to fuck, any dipwad can find someone willing to be their boyfriend or girlfriend (if they set their standards low enough), but to find and meet and be able to date a person whom you “love beyond words” requires both luck and skill to a degree that many go their whole raisin lovin’ lives without it.
And why am I telling you this? Because even though I have every intention of helping you find your third wheel, it’s important you know that it 1. might take a hot minute, 2. won’t necessarily be what you expect and 3. even if it never does, I hope you don’t feel like you lost out on ANYTHING because you’re already winning. Your situation right now is comparable to someone holding the Stanley Cup in one hand, wishing the other hand had a McFlurry.
CLARIFY YOUR GOAL
So you want someone that you can hang out with and bang on the regular? Do you want this girl to be a fuckbuddy, a temporary guest star or another girlfriend? All three are difficult to find, but it’s a lot easier to carve out a niche when everyone at least knows what they want. Know in advance what you do and do not want. This will save everyone grief.
Good work on having a game plan and setting down rules. What are you OK with your girl doing with this other girl? What are you OK with doing? What would be considered “cheating?” Does everyone need to be present for sex to happen? Are there some activities you want to keep off the menu? Plan now for how to manage your jealousy. You might be convinced you won’t feel even a pang of insecurity at any point, but if you don’t have a backup emergency jealousy plan, you might as well schedule a vicious, resentment-filled fight with your lady for next Wednesday and hide all the china.
PACK FOR INCLEMENT WEATHER
Everything can work out great, I assure you; but rarely is this easy to orchestrate to a tee. You might find a willing hot girl, but she may not be any good in bed. You may find someone good in bed, but she might want a relationship with different terms than you’re prepared for. You might find someone who wants one of you more than the other. These are not tragedies, worth gnashing of teeth and angsty status updates. These are just unexpected forks in roads you’re bravely venturing.
R E S P E C T, SOCK IT T ME
One of the biggest problems facing couples seeking a third is that there are a very small number of folks in the world who are interested in something more than a one-time hookup that isn’t a full-blown relationship. It asks a lot of them emotionally to invest in two people sexually on a regular basis with the knowledge that, at any time, the couple might change their mind and kick them to the curb. They’re like temps, without an agency to which they can return.
This girl will know she’s a second-class citizen, even though she does wield the power of having what you both want. You need to respect this person, think about her feelings and the fact she might also want someone who loves her beyond words. You have a lot to offer her, make this an appealing situation in which to become entangled.
You can Craigslist, AdultFriendFinder and the like if you want a hookup. You can try dating sites if you want something a little more relationship-y. Again, be prepared to contact endless numbers of girls whose goals do not align with yours. There are also sites catering specifically to people finding a third. Otherwise, you can find a woman the old-fashioned way: picking her up when you’re out and about. Work together as a team to attract her: one of you catches a cute girl’s eye, the other chats her up. Present as a pair of individuals who are united in their attraction to her, not as a pair ganging up on her. Also, it’s more likely to succeed if your girl is the initial attraction point and you are the icing on the cake. Sorry, but it’s true. Frickin heteronormative culture.
Making her aware of your attachment to each other is important for honesty’s sake, but she is a person with feelings and she probably doesn’t have a ton of interest in being your interchangeable foreplay object who could just as easily be a sex swing, intended purely for spicing shit up between you two. Make this about all three of you having a good time. Show your attraction to her specifically and emphasize that you both are into HER, not just the notion of you banging your lady while she eats lunch at the Y.
It is for this reason that you should definitely avoid lesbian bars. The women there have seen their share of selfish hetero boy/ bi girl couples looking for a nameless, faceless third. They want no part of it. Aim for a bi-curious straight girl at a run-of-the-mill bar or nightclub if you’re going to go that route.
If you’re both good looking, personable, friendly and fun you’ll find success soon enough. Just remember that even though this is clearly about your relationship, it’s not just about you two. Make this appealing for your potential third: an honor, an adventure, something wacky she can tell her friends about. Be OK with your highest hopes not being met and you’ll be just fine.
Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email firstname.lastname@example.org