Long Term Relationships

The Ex Sex Factor

Hey, y’all. It’s #TBT.  Let’s check out a classic from 2008.

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com or tweet @timaree_leigh See more at http://www.facebook.com/sexwithtimaree and http://tinyurl.com/swtpod

Question to the Sexpert:

“I’ve been dating this chick for about 3 weeks now and I like her a lot. We really hit it off and she’s one of the coolest chicks/people I’ve ever met. She talks about her exes quite a bit which isn’t really a big problem because I understand that she still thinks of them as friends. The other night she was telling me about her “sex record” (like how many times she’s gotten it on with one of her exes in a 24 hour period) and it really bothered me. I kind of felt like I wasn’t good enough or something. Is it wrong to let something like that bother me? I haven’t talked to her about it yet, but I plan on it. Thanks.”

Ahhh, exes… They have the power to intimidate from hundreds of miles and years away, without ever moving a muscle.

Imagine if every once in awhile your boss reminisced to you about the person who used to have your job, randomly reminding you how Camille always turned in her projects with a day to spare or how Jimmy would bring in muffins for the whole office… just because. That’d be a-w-e-s-o-m-e. Or perhaps, even better, imagine your boss periodically bitching about what a piece of crap your predecessor was, implying not so subtly that, should you ever mosey on to another ranch, your name is free game to drag through the mud publicly.

That said, it doesn’t mean her lack of concern equals malicious intent or lack of interest in you. There are a number of possible reasons for her behavior, most of which are innocent and fixable.

The more I thought about this, the more likely this explanation seemed. Everyone knows those people who talk about sex all the time, who are comfortable blithely blathering on about anal fisting without even blinking…. Not that I would know anyone like that. (Sorry, by the way).

It could be that this girl just feels very comfortable talking about sex and enjoys doing it and is unconscious of how the people around her are reacting. She could be completely unaware of the inappropriateness of what she’s saying, especially how awkward it is for you, as her current main event. This is a matter of inexperience, immaturity or inattention.
DIAGNOSIS CRITERION: Does she say this stuff to everybody or just you? If she’s gabbing to strangers at parties about the time she got eaten out in the backseat of her homecoming date’s mom’s VW, you can rest assured this is the case.
TREATMENT: Some gentle, considerate guidance about empathizing with those who aren’t as “evolved” as she is may get the point across, and show her that you accept her and just want to give her a heads up.

You describe this chick as extremely cool. That’s probably not an accident. Even the most chill people in the world do things to look good for others. She’s trying to impress you and maybe even make you jealous. Obviously, this is not way to build a relationship, talking about how some other dude boned her out seven times in one day, but she wants to demonstrate that she’s a catch, a sexual tiger, a woman whom others have wanted. If she feels vulnerable on this point, thinks it will make her look attractive or has her self-esteem tied into validation from sexual partners, this may be how she tries to build herself up both to you and to herself.
DIAGNOSIS CRITERION: Is she really concerned with image, especially around you? Does she seem, at times, to have grand impressive things to say about herself and alternately talk about how much she sucks or what plastic surgery she needs to look better? This one’s hard to identify, but extremely likely.
TREATMENT: This one’s tough. It may go away organically, with the passage of time and building of your relationship. It may be an integral part of her personality, one that she has to want to change.

This is the obvious bad answer: she’s not over these exes. You wouldn’t be wrong to keep your eyes open around individuals who’ve already plowed your girl’s pasture. However, she might view these people as exemplifying a time in her life that she feels the need to talk about and after all, they are still her friends.
DIAGNOSIS CRITERION: Does she talk equally about multiple exes, or is there one who gets a lot more screen time? Is she flirty with these people in person? Did their situations end without proper resolution, perhaps leaving romantic tensions in the air?
TREATMENT: Nothing, unfortunately. Either she’ll learn to see what a good deal she has in front of her with you or she’ll break your damn heart down the road when she can’t take the longing anymore and has a drunken hookup. Just keep an eye out and be prepared, IF you think this is a real possibility.

Worst case scenario: you’re actually just her friend and don’t know it.
DIAGNOSIS CRITERION: Do ya’ll get it on (you should at least make out a little, after three weeks)? Do you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend or talk openly about how you’re “seeing each other?”
TREATMENT: If, in fact, you’ve gotten the way wrong impression here, you’ll have to decide if you want to make her your woman or back up slowly towards the exit, since it seems your heart is already invested.

MY PROFESSIONAL GUESS: Either cause one or two, or a combination of the two. Notice, though, none of these reasons has anything to do with you, so there’s no reason to feel like you’re not good enough for anybody. You mentioned that you planned to speak to her about it, so go ahead, and let me know how it turns out.


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