Anatomy/Physiology / Gender / Infidelity / Long Term Relationships

Inexplicably Turned-On Girl

Hey kittens, it’s Throwback Thursday, which means checking out a classic column. This one originally ran in July of 2010.

Question to the Sexpert:

“I have been seeing this girl who is in a relationship.  I understand the moral issues/baggage that comes along with that, but my question lies in our physical relationship.  When I touch her, she goes crazy. I’ve never experienced such a thing personally when someone has touched me.  I am crazy attracted to her, but she says something as small as my hand on her leg or on her back makes her “burn”.  I am flattered by this, but is this real? Does this happen to people or is this some kind of thing she is exaggerating? She gets more “excited” just when I kiss her than anyone I have ever experienced. Full on wet and ready, to use plain words. Her current bf doesn’t do this for her, never has. She claims no one ever has.  Do I have something here or could it possibly be the excitement of the affair? Is there something biological in a person that a certain person can set off? I am curious about the long term prospects of the ‘touch’ happening.  Is that possible as well?”

So remember when you saw Avatar in IMAX 3D and said to yourself, “self, that was FUCKING INCREDIBLE! I felt like I just went on vacation for two hours to a land of magic! I barely recall eating that entire bucket of popcorn,” and then there was like a bunch of kids movies that came out in 3D and it was pretty awesome, and then you saw the trailer for Final Destination 3D and groaned and thought, “I’d rather get the runs for 2 days than sit through that piece of garbage; I wish they would just give it up already.” Remember all that?

Now my point here is not that your Superpower of Touch is just novelty that must inevitably wane. Because 3D technology IS awesome when used by great filmmakers for the right movie.

BUT there is a degree of novelty in the appreciation, as well as a treasuring of the experience, knowing that you may not see anything in 3D again for a while.

And while it’s nothing but pure speculation on my end about your girl’s motives and/or honesty, I would imagine this is the sort of complex reaction she’s having:

1. Your technique is good. Yay!

2. Novelty of a new partner

3. And the novelty of the affair itself

4. Including the excitement added by knowing nothing is certain about your future.

Female arousal, you see, is a complex creature, far less linear and predictable than the “A leads to B, leads to C” style of male sexual arousal.

Not to take the wind out of your sails, but women are less likely to have their physiological response match up with their subjective experience of being turned on. That is, women may be turned on physically and not realize it… or turned on mentally but without the body following suit. They are also likely to have physical signs of sexual arousal like lubrication while feeling fear – a protective mechanism presumably designed so that a woman facing assault will be less damaged.

Similarly adding to the complexity, sexual arousal can be affected by anxiety. Strong emotion of any kind can make romantic feelings more intense, as can physiological stress like increased heart rate. That is why I suggest taking first dates to amusement parks, on adventurous hikes or to scary movies. It gets your body all juiced up on excited brain chemicals and makes you associate the excitement with the person accompanying you.

But why is this chick so hot and bothered by the slightest provocation from you?

  1. Could she be lying? Probably not about being turned on, but maybe about whether or not this has happened before or whether or not her boyfriend can/used to do it for her.
  2. Is there something biological to explain this? Mayhaps. There is something  to be said about chemical attraction between people. Perhaps you two are chromosomally compatible.
  3. What’re the long-term prospects? Odds are, as with any relationship, the sheer sexual attraction variable will go down after a year or so.  You will get acclimated to each other and familiarity diminishes sexual interest. While you might still be able to have banging super hot sex for a billionty years, I can’t promise it will be the same instant chemical reaction.

My suggestion: enjoy it now.  If you can handle the “moral issues/baggage” and  are ok with not knowing where this is headed, then you should have a pretty good time in the meanwhile.

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email or tweet @timaree_leigh See more at and

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