Gender / Long Term Relationships

Bagged by a Cougar

Hey kittens, it’s Throwback Thursday and time for a vintage piece. This one initially ran in March of 2010.

Question to the Sexpert:

“So, in all the mania about cougars and pumas, I decided to start hooking up with an older woman. She’s 43, I’m 28. She’s gorgeous, has her life together and is a really cool chick.  After a few months of random hook ups, we realized we really like each other and we’ve started talking about taking this a little more seriously. A few of my friends already know about us, but I’m really worried about making this official. I know there’s an age difference, plus she’s been married and divorced already. What do I need to do so that people don’t give me a bunch of shit?” to be the jerkface who breaks this news to you: but you’re going to get shit. And yes, some of that shit will be because your girlfriend is older and a divorcee. But a lot will be because people love to give other people shit. Friends do it for intimacy-building reasons, acquaintances love to feel like they know everything, strangers just can’t help themselves from having opinions.

If having your friends crack jokes about how your girlfriend is gonna pack your lunch and drive you to school is enough to make you head for the hills, then this relationship is going to be rough. But every relationship is some degree of rough: they require compromise, commitment, time and energy….. but it’s fine if you’re with a person who makes it worth it.

To ease your transition into Boytoydom (see, even I’m a jerk), here are some things to keep in mind. BTW, I’m using younger male/older woman gender pronouns because of this particular question writer, but this applies to any age gap relationship.


Appreciate the advantages– she’s got experience, independence, maturity and financial stability that will make your life hella easier. Say good bye to the drama of insecure younger girls and say hello to having a partner who knows exactly how she wants to be fucked.

Show your appreciation- She’s got to have a brass pair to date a younger man, but she’s still a person and you need to express your attraction and affection.

Find common ground- you’re into this particular cougar for a reason. Don’t fixate on differences, enjoy what you have in common.

Have fun- she’s probably dating younger for a reason: she wants adventure and energy. Give her what she wants! upfront about your intentions- obviously this thing has already morphed from casual to slightly more serious, but if you are resolutely uninterested in this becoming the real deal, make that clear. Same thing if you’re planning on having kids in a few years and she’s all done with that nonsense: you two need to be honest. Maybe this doesn’t last forever, but if it has any chance to, communication is crucial.

Fuck other people- not literally, unless you have some sort of agreement about that. I mean, people are going to give you shit. Feel free to give them it back or ignore them. You like this person and want to be with her, that’s all that matters. You may be younger, but you’re still a grown ass adult.


Know what you have to offer- you’re experienced, accomplished, probably have your own place and are less prone to drama. You’re desirable and desire someone else: so enjoy.

Looks matter- for sure: age doesn’t mean diminishing sexiness. He picked you because you have it going on. But looks are important part of the draw of any partner at any age and are especially relevant to young people, so as much as you’re enjoying your partner’s physical assets, keep your playground in good condition.

Keep a sense of humor– let me repeat: people like to give people shit. Often because they’re jealous they aren’t as liberated.

Have confidence and thick skin– the assumed threat of being left by a partner is probably highest for the older woman dating the younger man than for any other group, but do not despair. Far weirder combinations of people have successfully lasted than a simple age gap. Enjoy this experience, take advantage of the physical endurance, energy level, excitement and zest for life that your young paramour has to offer. Maybe it doesn’t last forever, maybe it does. If it doesn’t, there are plenty more cubs in the wild.

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email or tweet @timaree_leigh See more at and

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