Long Term Relationships / media / sexuality education

Guest Column:Get Rid of Sexual Shame

Greetings, kittens. While I’m bouncing around Thailand, you get an awesome guest submission from Janell Ariela

We should normalize talking about Healthy Sex, and rid Sexual Shame and Guilt.

janellIn my last article the question was “Are you open minded and comfortable with Sex?” The point was to develop a better understanding, most importantly building respect towards others, thus becoming comfortable through your own way, discarding ethnocentrism. The point is not to make you agree to everything but to understand that proper Sex Education is extremely important, my job will be half done. There will never be unchallenging answers or a solidified decision and it can and will take a long time to unlearn all the conditioned, disinformation we have been taught. Not saying everything we were taught is wrong however realizing that people have been misinformed by cultural and religious bias is a step in the right direction. There are many adults who do not know their own bodies still, and are still afraid to ask questions which can lead to not getting the proper care. In my opinion, it is strange that people still disagree and/or do not understand the necessity of Sex Education. It is written all over society that it is needed, but it is our job to willingly and gladly educate.

From research, asking questions, learning through personal experience, the next goal was to discover why is Sex taboo. Why are we misguided, misconceived, shamed? Why do we feel some type of guilt, and why do we feel uncomfortable in certain ways?  People love-having Sex, but do not like to talk about it, this is the problem, and I found out why. If you do research and ask questions you’ll come up with these answers on your own! There are so many reasons as to why many people feel that way; the number one reasons are religion and culture. In many religions and cultures, Sex is a taboo unless you do it the way it tells you to. If you don’t do it that way, most of the time it can force guilt, shame and can give misguided or incorrect information upon those who do not follow. Many will argue that Sex is strictly for procreation although there are many valid reasons why people do it. Nature always wins, not something man created. We cannot stop people from having Sex… at all. So we must educate and protect them, and ourselves. Another thing is, having sex isn’t “everything in life” either, so do not get that confused Sex will make you a “whole person.” Sex has many definitions and is not only intercourse.

If we did not have the proper Sex Education through school or through our guardians, we learn about Sex through culture, mostly religion and many times through society. When we learn about Sex through them, many of us may learn a very tampered and small aspect of it. The majority of Sex is usually very bad and wrong, which brings guilt, shame and it intervenes with our power to make our own decisions. Through most cultures and religion, there is only one time that is sex is approved, and that is through marriage. We all know marriage is not for everyone. There are many arguments, where marriage originated from, should we put shame and guilt on those who choose not to get married or don’t believe in marriage when they have sex? I don’t think so. When we feel bad about certain things we do sexually, we tend to refuse to take notice or acknowledge our natural feelings. Turning to negative things so they can stop this shame and guilt. With effective proper Sex Education, we curb these negative attributes. We end slut shaming, body shaming, or shaming and guilt in general, often resulting in depression, suicide, and murder. It brings awareness slowly combating rape, sex trafficking, genital mutilation, child sexual abuse, diseases, STDs, and STIs. Gaining protection and understanding for the LGBTQ Community. Aiding in the decline of unwanted pregnancies, abortions, unwanted children. Eliminating sexual harassment, ridding the faking of orgasms that can lead to complications in many relationships. Eliminating everyday sexism, gaining equality for women, gaining sexual consent and so much more. There are so many reasons to why we should normalize talking about Sex, because if we have people who see or go through Sexual assaults, harassment’s, rape and more, the easier it will be to speak up for what is right and defend ourselves and those who are victims of it.  In addition to rid the fear to come out and tell someone if they have an STD or STI so it will not be passed around.

Sophia Wallace an artist who created “Cliteracy” once said, “There was an 11 year old boy who asked his mother, “What is a clit?” His mother responded, “It is apart of a woman’s body that is very sensitive.” The 11 year old response was, “Oh okay, cool.” And they both went about their business.” Life can be simple as that! Many times we complicate it because we are uncomfortable, we fear sexual questions, and thought that children should be restricted from sexuality, because “it’s an adults thing.” Many times we are doing this because we think we are “protecting” children, not realizing we do oppress them in many ways and create other problems. We also further the damage thinking early sexual behavior will occur, when in fact it has been proven that that is not always the case and in fact that Abstinence does NOT work many times! Look at the Palins. Hiding Sexuality from children does not protect them. These curious children can try to answer their questions with other incorrect resources. We should give an explanation of this forever-existing sexuality to them. We should give an explanation that, it is expected and it is extremely normal, and we should try to give an explanation that the way we convey it should be self-controlled with the appropriate age.

We are all Sexual Beings, and yes, even Asexuals. We are all here because our parents had Sex. From when we are in our mothers wombs, we discover masturbation, which is a normal discovery at any age. When we are born we suck on our mothers breasts to nurture us, we fail to see that is a normal sexual act. We also discover many parts of our bodies, and we masturbate as well, or we simply just touch ourselves. We are told it’s bad, not to do it, and to stop touching ourselves, so we keep that information in our brains until puberty hits and become so confused as to what is happening with our bodies and minds. Throughout the rest of our lives we continue to be sexual beings. Sexuality is a fundamental nature of our lives, it is very important and we must speak about it at every age in an appropriate age conversation. Many children learn the qualities of being intricate in the world, and many times children aren’t being taught the full aspects of life, especially with Sexuality. From a young age, we are being taught that there are only two kinds of people (which is incorrect), someone with only a penis and someone with only a vulva (and we are not even taught the correct term of a vulva, we are taught it is a vagina and that is even incorrect.) Then we are taught constructed gender coding’s and labeling’s that have been changed many times.

Sexologist Amy Jo Goddard states, “The more whole we are as Sexual Beings, the more fulfilled we are as human beings […] The more comfortable and good you feel in your body, whatever it’s size, shape, color and imperfections, the more whole you feel, the more confidence you develop, the more whole you feel, and the more sexual expressed you are, the more whole you feel.” She is not saying you have to be Sexual, have Sex or talk about Sex all the time, but if you are restricted or having that taken away from you, you are being taken away parts of your human rights. We are not taught that Spirituality and Energy ties into Sex and Sexuality very much. Because of particular systems of faith and worship or communities, we do not learn or realize how a very large quantity of spirituality is tied into and it becomes less valuable. When it becomes less valuable it doesn’t allow us to awaken our true Sexuality, and when many times we do not awaken it, we do not realize our own self importance as well as others which causes us to look for “our whole being” when we are already are a whole being. We must also realize Spirituality differs from person to person. Amy Jo Goddard also proclaims, “We teach Sexuality as loosing “something” you’re going to give it away to someone, or someone is going to take it from you, instead of gaining something. We also teach Sexuality is about someone else, and we don’t teach them it is about them! Another thing that we do is, teach them shame. […] But a world where people are guided by their own internal desire, where they own their bodies, where they respect their own sexualities and express themselves from that internal core, that’s the world I want to live in and I hope you do to.”

There are many ways to normalize talking about positive, healthy Sexuality, please try to research how to, and if you have any questions, please leave a comment and I will gladly help. The point of my blogs are to try to normalize talking about Sex, so that when I do post “outrageous” kinky things or when they pop up in your everyday lives, we can think critically, be more understanding, less judgmental, and be free from guilt and shame we may not realize we have. But before I end this blog, a favorite quote of mine that I want to share with you is, “Knowing the importance that giving other people freedom to make choices you might not necessarily make yourself.” If we do not at least try to let people make their own positive choices without hate, harassment, or being ridiculed, we will never ever have equality in anything. We need to realize the beauty in many things, and change ourselves first.


One thought on “Guest Column:Get Rid of Sexual Shame

  1. Pingback: Guest Column:Get Rid of Sexual Shame | Nomad, Geek, Nudie

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