Hey friends, it’s time for a #TBT vintage column. This one originally ran in 2009, which you can totally tell by the dated references.
Question to the Sexpert:
“My boyfriend wants me to come with him some time to the strip club. He thinks it’d be hot and maybe would finally set the stage for us to have a threesome. I’m not so sure I feel comfortable in a place like that and I don’t know how to behave there at all. What’s the etiquette for women visiting?”
Take this column, print it out and hand it directly to your boyfriend. And I mean hand it, don’t just leave it on the fridge next to the expired coupons and the snarky 50s style magnets. And when you hand it to him, point to the line below, tapping your index finger repeatedly on the next twelve words:
****LET YOUR GIRLFRIEND STAY HOME FROM THE STRIP CLUB****
LOVE, DR. TIMAREE
Many, tons and lots of females enjoy going to strip clubs. Gay ones, bi ones, ladies who think labels are for cans. And even straight ones. But if you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it- perhaps you find the idea objectionable even in theory- odds are good you’re right. And it’s gonna be a serious buzzkill to all parties involved if you pay some outlandish cover only to realize “Yep, called it. This blows” after five minutes.
There are more than a few sources available on strip club etiquette and while the tips differ slightly from one expert to another, they are nearly unanimous in their admonishment to leave un-cool or reticent girlfriends/wives at home.That’s not to say you, girlfriend, are not cool. You are, however, very likely going to be unable to help yourself from committing behavioral gaffes that will piss off strippers and cause an ugly meltdown between you and the boyfriend.
Those of you out there who’ve been to a gentleman’s club or two have seen examples: the uncomfortable girl with her arms crossed over her chest, glaring angrily alternately between the body of the dancer and the face of her preoccupied male companion. The ultimate effect it has on the mood of the club is awkward: hovering at a level somewhere above having your mom walk in while you’re masturbating.
And the notion that this jaunt down to the strip club is going to result in a torrid ménage a trois is laughable. It’s more likely you’ll find your soulmate in line at a check cashing place on a day you’ve got pinkeye.
That said, if you still decide to go, despite the fact it seems as good of an idea as removing your body hair via controlled burn, here is the advice I gathered for women (and men) who want to check out the scene:
DOUBLE THE TROUBLE- Couples can cause lots of problems. They think they get 2 for the price of 1 lap dances and they take turns getting jealous. Don’t be one of those couples.
DRESS APPROPRIATELY- Don’t go in there trying to out-skank the dancers by wearing something overly revealing and/or glittery. This, like the following rule, is because every drop of attention you take from the women at work is going to come back to haunt you. If the creepier menfolk there don’t make you regret the decision, the dancers surely will.
I REPEAT, DON’T TAKE ATTENTION FROM THE DANCERS– No giving lapdances to your boyfriend, no making out in the club, no loudly talking. Don’t be the only person in there who hoots and hollers. Save that for the undergrads who dance on the bar at PJ McGarrityWheelihanO’Tools.
BASIC COURTESY– For some reason this eludes people, but don’t talk disparagingly about the dancers or their bodies, don’t try to touch, don’t make obscene gestures or comments. Just because you’re at a place where women are naked does not mean you can go all Lord of the Flies and turn into a complete savage.For more basic courtesy, check here or here.
IT’S NOT LADIES NIGHT– Being a girl entitles you to no special treatment. There are no discounts at the door, you still have to tip and you don’t get to touch if the men don’t.
YOUR CONSENT MATTERS– Sometimes dancers will take greater liberties with female patrons in order to drum up more business for themselves. They might think it’s cool to touch YOU or bring you up to the stage and make you a part of the act. Men might offer to pay for you to get a lap dance. If you’re cool with that: go, have fun. If that’s not going to make you happy, then politely, but firmly, decline. You’re not at work and she’s not your supervisor.
TIP. TIP AGAIN. TIP SOME MORE-Especially if you sit up front around the railing. And don’t forget to tip the wait staff who bring your over-priced drinks. And contrary to the wisdom of popular music, making it rain can be incredibly annoying: it means they have to crawl around trying to grab money you could have just slid into their g strings.
My overall aim is not to discourage women from attending these kind of establishments. Far from it. Instead, it’s to allow the separate universes of strip clubs and non-strip club lovers to maintain their peaceful co-existence. If it sounds like fun: by all means, check it out. But if you think you’ll find it sketchy, degrading, uncomfortable or exploitative, you’re absolutely right.