anal sex / Bisexuality / Coming Out / Desire / Fantasy / LGBT / orgasms

Is Anal Sex Inherently Gay?

Hey friends, it’s #TBT and time for a vintage column. This one is originally from September of 2008. DAAANG. 
Question to the Sexpert:

A couple of weeks ago you answered a question from a girl whose boyfriend was really into anal, both giving and receiving. I read some of the comments people posted and I had to agree that I would assume that a guy who is into anal would have homosexual tendencies. Isn’t there some correlation there? Shouldn’t you have told that girl to be suspicious? Next thing you know she has HIV.”

Hell yes, she should be suspicious. She should keep a watchful eye on her man, especially early in the relationship and always be prepared for the worst… but not because he likes getting it in the butt, because he’s another human and boy howdy are they fallible.

It’s actually entirely possible that this guy will end up lying, cheating, stealing, or otherwise breaking her trust, although that would be entirely unrelated to the small chance of him turning out to be *gasp* homosexual. And even if he does like pole smoking, the nightmarish situation of her being left alone with a nice brand new case of HIV is not the most likely outcome. Other outcomes could include: him being bi and they stay together or yes, the far less exciting prospect of breaking up.  But it opens the possibility for buying a brand new carton of Ben & Jerry’s into which she can blubber illogical and self-loathing thoughts of having turned a man gay.

butt play.jpg

Let me be more specific as to why I, personally, am not too worried about this question writer’s new boyfriend.

In all people there are a series of nerves around the opening to their butts. Like many areas of the body where there is a heavy concentration of nerves, there are people who like to be touched there. Think about your fingertips, the nape of your neck, your clitoris or the glans of your penis. It’s pretty awesome when somebody cute, who has a reasonable degree of skill, comes across those parts, right?

Well, some people have an aversion to their own body parts. Sometimes it’s for irrational reasons, they have been told they should feel that part is ugly, fat or even sinful. Sometimes those parts really are dirty and ought to be spruced up a little. Have you washed your hands and your doorknobs lately? Cause they are both germ central.

Other times people just hold deeply ingrained beliefs that there is a segment of their own body that is inherently detestable. For some it’s feet, for others, it’s the butthole. For some in Gypsy cultures, it’s the entire lower half of the body that is unclean and the top and bottom should never meet.

But just because this question writer’s boyfriend does not share the common notion that butts=bad does not mean he’s wishing a dude would touch him instead. It means he doesn’t hold that cultural taboo and has recognized the incredibly erotic power of the anus and prostate.

He’s found a way to get off that not everyone ventures to locate. For this alone we cannot make any conjecture about his sexual orientation other than that he’s adventurous.

The idea of certain sex acts being inherently gay is more a matter of association than fact. Sure, some gay dudes have anal sex. Not all of them, but many. But, hey, you know what? Way more straight people do it. WAAAAY more, if for no other reason than the fact there are so damn many of them.

Think of any sexual act: kissing, hand jobs, oral sex, anal sex, using toys, watching pornography, massaging, dry humping, toe sucking, biting and any other thing your twisted, sordid heart desires. There are people of e v e r y orientation who do those things.

It no more makes a man gay to want anal sex than it makes him Jewish for drinking Manischewitz. Sure, some Jews drink the stuff, but lots of Gentiles have discovered the fruity goodness of a vegan wine as well. Doing something that has been popularly associated with one group does not make you a member of that group. That’s just specious reasoning… and it’s insulting to the actual group members.

So, to conclude this diatribe, I’d like to offer a few thoughts upon which you can chew:

  •  HIV doesn’t care about orientation- it simply travels through semen, vaginal secretions, breast milk and blood. Know your status, know your partner’s status, take precautions to prevent transmission.
  • If you date someone who later reveals their orientation does not include your gender, it’s not a statement on you. If anything, it reveals you have broad appeal as a partner.
  •  You are free to live your life completely devoid of contact with any anuses, yours or those of others, and that’s OK. But it’s also OK for you to choose to make use of every part’s erotic potential and no one on either side should judge those on the other.

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email or tweet @timaree_leigh See more at and

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s